Shadow Work

I’ve heard the term “shadow work” tossed around in some pagan circles I run in. I never really knew what it was, just that it was something to do with working on yourself. I finally started to looking into it and have decided that I want to embark on a journey of shadow work. I thought it would be nice to share with you guys that I’m started and to check in periodically as I continue down this path.

What is shadow work? There’s a lot of different ways to answer this. The main way people will answer is that it is a journey of self-discovery. It’s based upon the theories of psychologist Carl Jung. He was the first person to propose the idea of a shadow self. He put forth the thought of eight separate archetypes. These archetypes are better explained here. They also talk about some of the basics that you can use to start your journey.

For me, starting out I got a notebook to dedicate specifically to my shadow work. Journaling is a very important part of this process in my opinion. I made a collection of journal prompts. I want to get 100 total prompts. Once I do I may make a list and post it here just in case anyone is interested. And you don’t just have to just write in your journal. Pain or draw pictures to paste in. Or maybe your journal is just a sketch journal or a junk journal where you use art to display the feelings that you get while working on your shadow self.

Two, I prepared myself for the hard work. Shadow work is about understanding the dark side of yourself or the side of yourself that you’re not comfortable with. It’s working through trauma and hardship that you’ve experienced in your life. It’s not easy to do. It’s going to be uncomfortable and you’re going to be forced to deal with your insecurities and your toxic traits (we all have them! It’s okay.). I do recommend that you are in a state of mind that can be honest and as unbiased as possible without fear of tanking your mood or taking a hit to your mental health. If you’re having trouble getting your mind to a safe place your shadow work can start by going to a therapist. I started seeing a therapist and that’s what made me feel stable enough to work on myself in this way.

Three, I started looking for guided meditations about healing my inner self or shadow self. I’m not very good at meditating on my own but I’m going to work on that with this process as well. It’s important that after you do a journal entry that you spend time meditating on how you feel and what you said. Even if it’s just a little five minute processing moment that’s fine. Just give yourself the time to process and digest what you’re writing about and how you’re feeling.

Lastly, find some self-care things you can do. Some of this can be heavy and taking the time to do some self-care to help you come out of that heavy situation. It can be just listening to some music or maybe drinking some coffee or tea. If you need something bigger than that maybe a nice bubble bath while you listen to your favorite podcast. This process is hard and we have to take care of ourselves.

Shadow work doesn’t have to solely be pagan. I will have some pagan-esque prompts in mine but that’s because that’s one of the areas in my life I want to work on. I plan on doing 1 prompt a day for at least 100 days. I can’t wait to see who I am on the other side.

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Severe Weather Readiness

In Oklahoma where we live it’s that time of year again: Tornado Season. I grew up in Arkansas and basically have always lived somewhere in tornado alley. As a survivor of a tornado I have quite a bit of PTSD and take the weather very seriously. We all should. When the tornado hit my little town when I was 12, my family and I were in our bathroom desperately hoping to survive the tornado picking up our house and slamming it and trying to roll us into the road. We managed to make it out safely but it was a close call. Since then I have taken severe weather readiness very seriously.

Severe weather can be scary for adults and especially for children. When severe weather strikes it’s vital that we have a plan and get our kids to act accordingly so that everyone is safe and sound. I’m going to give some tips on how we handled this at my house. This will be tailored for tornado safety and readiness since that’s what we deal with here but some of it all can be applied in all situations.

First things first: time to get the kids to understand what’s going on and what they need to do. This can be difficult with younger kids but I’ve found that kids from about three and up can at least learn what they’re supposed to do when they hear the sirens. I have a five and eleven year old now and both of them know that when the sirens go off then we go to the bathroom. We sit down and cover our heads. With Bobbers we made it a game which helped take down her anxiety about it. We explained that tornados are dangerous so it’s very important to listen to the safety rules. Another thing that helps is that we bring tablets or switches to distract them while the sirens are going on. It distracts the kids from how anxious the parents are.

Now it’s time to pack a safety bag. We usually pack a bag once the warning goes out and we put our stuff in the bathroom. What should you grab? What should be included in your safety bag? I have a checklist for you!

• 1 change of clothes for each family member including underwear
• tennis shoes/sneakers for everyone (sometimes I let go of my no shoes in the house rule and make everyone wear their shoes around)
• wallets/purses
• phone chargers/switch/table chargers
• car keys
• if you have a baby just bring a pack of diapers with you
• baby wipes for baby
• bottles of water
• snacks
• computer (laptop) or phone to watch the weather on
• jackets (optional because it might not go cold afterward but sometimes it does)
• pets in their carriers or on leashes
• a little thing of pet food
• pillows and/or blanket and/or mattresses (helps protect from debris and dirt and you can play peekaboo with younger kids for distraction)
• flashlight (preferably a hand crank one)
• whistle (optional but beneficial for if you’re buried. You can blow it to get help)
• NOAA radio or app

This is just my list. We use a big bag or a suitcase to carry everything and somethings get tossed into a backpack. This is all things I can grab within moments of the watch starting and I take it to the bathroom immediately so it’s there and we don’t have to fuss with it again If you’re somewhere with plug ins don’t be afraid to plug in your phone. You’ll want it as charged as possible. Also, make sure that everyone is in clothing. Not PJs if at all possible. Sometimes we sleep in our clothes just in case.

After you’re packed and ready to take cover it’s important to know where the safe zones. For tornados it’s interior rooms with no windows or an underground shelter. For us, it’s the bathroom because we live in an apartment. For you it might be a bathroom or a closet. Ideally we would have an underground shelter. They’re very worth it investments where I live.

For floods it’s important to get as high up as possible. Have a way to climb up onto the top of your house which usually means keeping an axe with your kit. Don’t swim in flood waters. The water is nasty and typically moving very quickly and you will be swept away. Never try to drive over flood waters. Even if it doesn’t look that deep it typically is very deep and moving very fast. Your car can easily be carried off with you inside of it and once the car starts sinking the likeliness of you surviving is slim.

Earthquakes are hard to prep for. The best you can do is either run outside into an open area or find something sturdy to hide under like a table.

I’ll admit that I’m not an expert. I did do some emergency management classes in college and I have considerable real life experiences with disasters including blizzards, tornados, and minor earthquakes. I hope my advice is helpful to you. If you have any personal tips please share them with a comment! I always want to learn more.

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Be Nice To Garbage Men

In January my daughter is starting homeschool. I’ve mentioned a few time that we’re doing a year round schedule so that she’ll start in January rather than August. I’ve discussed a few times what we are going to do approach wise and I’m sure that some of that will shift as we actually get into the swing of things. But one thing that I know will always be included is Moral Education.

Now what is moral education. I first came across the concept when I was looking at how different countries handle their schooling and what subjects they include and when. I specifically looked at places that have higher educational scores. I came across moral education when I was studying Japan’s school system.

Believe it or not, the first six years of school for Japanese students is mainly about moral education and then setting up the basics for them to continue on as they move through school. A few other facts about Japan is that everyone is very respectful and they are notorious for cleaning up after everyone and having very responsible well mannered children. Obviously no place is perfect but this was something I wanted to figure out how they do it. It simply came down to the focus of moral education from the time kids are born.

In school, Japanese children are expected to clean up the school, assist with lunches in some places. They’re taught to cook, sew, and recycle. They are taught the importance of respecting everyone from the man who picks up trash to the CEO of a company. They all have important jobs and that the children will one day have important jobs that contribute to the society.

I did a post a while back about the African proverb of “A child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth.” And moral education is sort of an extension. In America we live in a very “Me” driven society. While that’s not necessarily bad it’s not the best. We all contribute in some way and each way is important.

We’ve already started some moral education with Bobbers. It’s simple stuff that happened out in the wild. We were waiting for our ride after her therapy and the garbage truck came by. Seeing the opprotunity I explained to her that they have a very important job and we should always respect them because they help keep our city clean. She was very excited about it and yelled out a thank you. It was cute. Then another time we were out and saw a service dog. She wanted to pet but I stopped her. I said you see that vest? That means he’s a service dog. He’s working and we can’t pet him because if he gets distracted his owner might be hurt. We don’t pet them. And man did she take it to heart. We’ve seen more since and she always says, “Papa look! A working dog. We can’t pet him. He’s working.”

Moral education focuses on how we fit into the world and all the pieces that come around. It focuses on laying a good foundation for wrong and right. Empathy. Love and respect for nature and others. Recycling. Good hygiene and cleaning being a proper task to help contribute and not some awful chore you receive as a punishment (because no joke I was subjected to many chores as punishment and I struggle to do them because they have a negative association in my mind).

It is a good plan to follow. I want my kids to succeed and have the best moral foundation I can lay to them. Once I get the chance I’ll upload my moral education plans to share with all of you. She should be starting school on the 8 since her sister is going to school that day too.

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What I’ve Learned Over the Last Year

It has been over a year since I’ve posted here. A lot has happened and I’ve learned a lot of things. There have been changes in our home and we’re making it up as we go. Which i think that’s how most parents get through life a lot of time. (And guess what? That’s perfectly fine!)

I guess the first order of business is catching up with the family. My little bobbers is now five whole years old. I don’t know where the time went. She’s started speech and occupational therapy and we’re also doing parent child interaction therapy as well. She does still have some behavioral issues but we’re working on how we communicate with her to set her up for the best possible results. Inevitably we’ll still have meltdowns or arguments but that’s just being a kid. She’s so smart. She can read unassisted. She’s kind and patient. She makes me so proud when someone has an accident and she pats them saying “It’s okay to make mistakes.” Tells me we’re doing very well with her. Her PCIT therapist wants to get her retested for autism because she is absolutely autistic but it is a struggle getting girls her age diagnosed. I was raised female and wasn’t properly evaluated and diagnosed until I was an adult.

As for my bonus kiddo, Phoenix, she is now eleven! She’s at the top of her grade which is awesome. She goes to a college prep school so even though she’s eleven she’s already doing things that will progress her future. She’s also very musically talented. She’s learning the clarinet and piano. She also did volleyball this last year. She loved it and I love that she’s finding a sport she likes. We practiced a lot together and even though she wasn’t the best player she is determined and she is prepared to work hard. I’m so proud of her. I’m proud of both of them.

My husband got moved to trainer. It’s only a slight pay raise but he enjoys the job immensely and that’s the most important part for us. Even if it makes his schedule a little crazy. He works so hard to support our family. I love him and I’m so proud of him. I’m glad he got a position that he likes.

As for me, this year has been very rough health wise. A tumor was discovered on one of my parathyroid glands making my hormones go out of whack. I had that removed and then my thyroid level and T4 levels tanked. That means that my pituitary wasn’t telling my thyroid how to work and instead of over producing like you’d typically expect my thyroid also tanked. Because of that I see an endocrinologist and I’m taking a synthetic thyroid and that will be a lot of adjusting the dosages. I also have a neurologist for my migraines, a therapist, a psychiatrist, and a case manager. I’m hoping we’ll get me on disability soon because of all my issues. They also found another tumor in my knee bone called a non-ossifying tumor which makes the bone spongey. If I understand it right. I’m on a lot of new medication and it feels like healthy is a point I’ll never reach but that’s my lot in life at the same time.

For the knew year I’m really hoping to get back into working on my blog. I realize that I really like doing it and I’ve missed doing it. I can’t promise any type of regular posting. Some of it will be about my family but most of it will be about parenting in general. I’ll also post some about how we include religion without it being an indoctrination for the kids. I’m also considering making a dedicated blog to just my practice as a Norse Pagan. If I do I’ll post the link for it on the main page though I think I’m going to build that with wix so I have more ability to decorate my website for that.

So what have I learned this year now that all that is out of the way. The main thing I’ve learned is how many people I can depend on and the kindness of people. More than once we’ve been so broke we didn’t know how we were going to feed the kids. My in-laws have been literal gods sent on top of everything they had going on after getting custody of my nieces and nephew (another story that just isn’t mine to tell). They’ve been really helping financially a lot. I’m hoping if my blog gets big enough I’ll start getting Ko-Fi donations or I can post Cash app and Paypal type things and that I’ll be able to start contributing with actual work. I’ve also learned that the group of people on my Facebook friends list is just packed with amazing people. Some I haven’t spoken to in years. Over a decade reached out to offer money because we need it. I’ve always had a hard time asking for help. I don’t want to look like a beggar or like I’m throwing a pity party or manipulating people with a sob story. (Thanks mom and dad for that specific trauma).

Another thing is I’ve learn who my kith and kin are. I learned who I should take in as my family and I’ve had the opportunity to help a few people out as well. It wasn’t much to me and I feel like I should always do more but everyone says they’re happy with what I did do. Hopefully that sort of insecurity will be handled through my therapy which starts on the 4th. They’re letting me do telehealthy via zoom which is good. The main thing I’ve learned this year is that I can survive. I can push through anything. Pain. Sickness. All of it. I can push through. I don’t want it to be pushing forever. I don’t want to just survive. I want to live.

Well that’s all I have for now in just catching up. I’m going to pin this one to the top if I can because I have another post that just wouldn’t fit in this one. Until next time.

SKAL

Hovering Helicopters

Helicopter parenting. Have you heard of it? It’s the parenting style where the parent relentlessly hovers over their child. The parent never lets their child fail and will do things for their child even if they’re perfectly capable of doing it themselves. Every tiny bump warrants a hospital trip and in some extreme cases a helicopter parent won’t even send their children to formal schools for fear that something will happen that they won’t be there to fix. As we’ve moved along in history helicopter parenting has gotten more and more common.

I am typically not one to critique other parents. We’re all doing the best we can after all and what works for my family might not work for someone else. The exception to this the dreaded helicopter parent. I tend to keep my comments to myself for the most part unless I know the parent personally and even then I try to address it in a way that doesn’t make them feel like bad parents. Every parent is guilty of occasionally being a little hovery or over protective, especially first time parents but when does that cross into helicopter territory?

Some good examples of taking it too far that I’ve seen and/or heard are one parent who flossed her children’s teeth even when they were teenagers and would rewrite their school assignments for them to ensure an A so they wouldn’t be disappointed by a bad grade. Another parent who wouldn’t let their child bathe without help until they were nine and still wouldn’t let them brush their own hair, pick out their own clothes, or tie their shoes. A parent who follows their five year old around the playground making sure they didn’t climb on anything without help and banded them from climbing the tall slide. And these are just extreme examples from multiple different parents. The everyday was much more suffocating for their children.

Why is helicopter parenting such a trigger for me? Why does it cause such a knee jerk reaction of horror when very little else does about how someone parents their kids? Because to the deepest core of myself I believe it’s damaging to children. I have never met a child who lived with a helicopter parent that wasn’t riddled with anxiety or capable of doing things for themselves. And don’t take just my word for it from anecdotal stories. There’s been studies and there’s evidence of the harm that it’s doing.

Psychology Today states that helicopter parents caused higher anxiety in their children and contributed to low self-esteem, depression, and even the total inability to succeed without their parents’ assistance. When we hover over our children and do everything for them and don’t allow them to fail we undermine their confidence. They quickly learn that they cannot succeed on their own and they develop a behavior called “learned helplessness”. Intechopen released a very thorough paper describing the negative outcomes including a development of maladaptive beliefs about their self-worth, lack of ability to preform age appropriate tasks, and a higher degree of neuroticism. Children fail to develop emotionally and leads to alienation from peers because of the suffocating presence of their parents.

The part that makes talking to a helicopter parent hard is that normally they’re coming from a good place. Helicopter parents are typically anxious people and they love their kids. They don’t like seeing their children hurting or upset. I think that’s all something that parents can relate to. I know I do. I don’t like letting my child get frustrated with a task or get upset or fall and hurt herself but you know what? Parenting isn’t about me. Parenting is about my children and she needs to fail. She needs to see herself conquer hard tasks to build skills and confidence. It would be unfair to her to prevent her from building skills and confidence.

In the end, I don’t hate helicopter parents. I really don’t and unless I know a person I won’t actually critique them. I won’t even tell them they were in the wrong. I’d much rather discuss their motivations and the repercussions of their behavior. Sometimes meaning well is not enough to prevent bad things from happening. All parents are just doing what they think is best and I’d much rather try to help than to just criticize people.

Milestone Anxiety

So my daughter is two, almost three. She’ll be three in December and I, like many parents, find myself stressing over whether or not she’s meeting milestones. I have since she was born and I don’t foresee my anxiety wearing down anytime soon. For the most part she met all of her milestones early or on time. She was never really late except for one. Talking. She was nearly two before she started steadily babbling and now, at nearly three she’s just barely starting to string two or three words together.

She can talk. She knows her alphabet, colors, can count to twenty, knows colors, and can even recognize familiar words when they’re written down. She knows my name (da) and my fiancé’s name (daddy) and calls her sister “sissy” since her name is too difficult. She has many words but is lacking in the sentence structure step of it unless it’s in a song.

I’ve been fretting about it endlessly. My fiancé tries to make me feel better saying that she’ll get there and if not we can get her into some sort of speech therapy no problem. She wouldn’t be the first in our family since both of my siblings had to have speech therapy. It doesn’t make me feel much better and I think every parent can relate to this feeling. What doesn’t help is that I have a nephew who is only two months older than my daughter. He chatters so well and it’s nonstop. Likewise though he doesn’t know numbers, colors, or letters. Maybe it’s a trade off.

That being said, I try not to compare my child to other children. There’s many reasons for it. One, it just makes my parental anxiety worse, thinking that I’m doing something wrong with my child. I did everything people suggested. I sing to her, talk to her, ready her half a dozen books daily. Two, it’s not healthy for my kids. Comparing your child to another kid can be really damaging on their self-confidence because they start to feel inferior. Three, and the biggest one, is that no two kids are the same. Kids develop differently and milestones are less like laws and more like guidelines. So far, anytime I’ve been worried about her being behind on milestones, the issue has sorted itself out and she caught up all at once.

Montessori teaches that kids develop in their own time. They follow developmental paths based upon what interests them most. They say that if you observe kids that are less verbal they tend to be much more developed physically (baring situations like autistic children or children with other disabilities) and likewise kids who are more mentally driven tend to have lower physical interests. It’s just the way of life. They’ll catch up in time. If not guess what? It’s okay to need a little help! It’s okay to get your child therapies to help them catch up. Everyone needs help now and then.

In Bobber’s case she is a very active child. We have a Pickler triangle for her and we had to rotate it to the more complicated ladder sides after just a month of having it because she’s all over it. She climbs all over everything and if you look around out house we have things stacked all over trying to make it impossible for her to climb. Nothing is safe unless it’s at the highest point.

That being said, it’s not always easy to stop myself from worrying or feeling like I’m somehow failing my daughter. What I can do though is not let it effect my child. I can keep doing what I’ve always done and let her develop in her own time. If at her three year check up her doctor decides that she needs some therapy to catch her up then we will do it. Everyone needs help sometimes! Everyone develops differently and no two kids are the same. One sibling might be walking at eleven months but another might be thirteen months before taking their first steps. I try not to sweat it.